Grateful!

       I am SOOO grateful that I have my little boy.  I have never not been grateful. I have just been struck this week, by the fragility of life.  I have also been keenly aware of the unfairness of things that happen in this life as well.  On Sunday of last week, a friend of mine lost her 7 day old boy.  He was born perfectly healthy, and went home with his mom, dad, and big sister.  About a week later after an aggressive virus attacked his body, he was gone.  By the time his parents realized that he was terribly ill, it was too late. His mother wrote him a letter and as I read how she wished she had kissed him one last time before they took him away to try and save his life, or how she held his hand to try and keep it warm, only to feel it grow colder after he was gone, I wept.  I can not claim that we were close friends, but as a woman, a mother and a fellow human being, my heart broke for her and her family.  When I first read of their loss, I had to get up and kiss and hold my little son.  We so often take for granted the lives of our children and ourselves. Medical science has developed so far, that it is easy to forget how fragile we really are.  We are truly complex, and beautifully, wonderfully made!

       Is there some purpose in an infants death? I hope so.  The Lord knows all things, but it is truly hard to see his grand design in something like this.  Why do bad things happen to good people? As I never met her husband, I can only speak about her.  She was always very sweet. In the kind of church I grew up in, someone like her was somewhat of a rarity, in my opinion.  Why would God take her son, but allow someone like, say Osama bin Laden keep his?  I pray for her daily, as I try to comprehend her and family's grief.  People say "oh, he's safe in the arms of Jesus", and while I believe that he is, I think that in some ways, that could be one of the worst things you could say to a mother who has lost her baby.  That may come as a comfort later, but at this moment, all she wants is for her baby to be safe in HER arms.
       O.k., I will get off my soapbox now and quit preaching.  I just pray that she finds a measure of comfort and peace soon.  It is all one can pray for!

       I feel so lucky that I got to pick my smiling baby up from his crib this morning. I don't think I will ever take a morning with my son for granted.  I love him with all my heart and even though I remember to thank my Jesus for him every day, I will never go a day without telling him how much I love him!!

      Helo, my son, my heart, mommy loves you more than you will ever know or comprehend till you have a child of your own!!!

   

My baby is growing up!!!!

       I know all you moms out there are gonna wag your finger at me, but I don't care!! We have started putting Helo into a crib to sleep (for naps anyway).  It makes me a bit sad! For his entire existence from conception till now, almost 8 months later, he has never been more than an arms reach from me.  He co-slept with me for his first 8 weeks of life, and now he sleeps in a nap nanny right next to my bed!
While it is time for him to start sleeping on his own, the fact that he is already starting to not need me makes me picture him walking into kindergarten on his first day, and not even looking back!

        My husband laughs at me, and tells our son, "Look, you're making mommy cry!" To which I respond "SO WHAT"! I love that he is getting bigger and growing. I would not want an infant forever, but the fact that it is happening so fast makes me a bit weepy.  I could not be prouder of him it I tried!  My husband is ready for baby number 2....NOT ME!!! I want some time to love on my little booger before I have to divide my time! Plus, I am too tired right now! I could not imagine having 2 babies! I suppose once Bubbin is sleeping in his crib all night, and he is starting to walk, that is when I will be ready to start trying for number 2.  Or the end of the year, whichever comes first!!

        Oh angel boy, you are my heart. You carry a piece of it with you and always will, wherever you go and whatever you do in this life! I love you baby!!

So it's been a minute.....

       Hello all!!!  Can I just say that I can't WAIT for spring? My little bubbin is getting so big, and I am excited to show him the world.  He is starting to babble a lot now. I imagine him saying momma, even though he is just making the sounds.....I really want to introduce him to all the things that come with spring. Flowers, birds, trees growing leaves.  In general, I want to take him outside into the fresh air. 

       Around these parts the last few days, we have been getting 70+ degree temps, and I love it! It allows me to dress my son and go for walks. It also seems to improve everyone's attitudes for the better! My dogs can't love it more either! Poor Mirko! He can't wait to play frisbee with dad!

All my love guys!!! LONG LIVE SPRING!!

The importance of having a great partner!

      Helo, I am writing this because I want you to know what a great daddy you have.  He has wanted you since before you were conceived, and has loved you from the moment he saw you.  Even though he can't wait for you to be old enough to play board games with him, (he is already planning for it), he loved spending time with you.  One of his favorite things to do with you is "baby p.t.".  Which is code for teaching you to sit and crawl.  Your daddy takes such pride and joy in each of your new developments.  He can't say enough how cool he thinks you are!

       Mommy thinks daddy is cool because he helps her out so much. The other day when you were sick, daddy came home and let mommy nap even though he had worked 12 hours that day.  The next day, on his first day off. He got up with you and let mommy sleep in as late as she needed too.

       The first thing daddy wants to do when he comes home from work is to see you and hold you!  Not every daddy out there wants to do that!  It is one of the things that I love the most about him.  It reminds me of your Grandpa Waltho.  MY daddy was the same way.  I always knew I was loved and was important to him.  Your daddy will do the same for you.

       I could not do it without your dad.  He helps out with you and things around the house on his days off, even though he could just tell me he wants to do nothing.  Having your daddy has allowed your mommy to have someone she can rely on all the time.  He looks out for you in other ways too. It might seem a bit germaphobic, but he makes sure his hands are always clean and wherever you touch is clean as well.  He is always looking for new toys that will entertain and teach you.  Mommy has a list as long as her arm of toys he has researched and would like you to have!

       Anyway, I just wanted you to know how important daddy is to you and to mommy.  Daddy loves you very much Bubbin. You will learn this as you grow older and I hope you appreciate it!! Love you little boy!

Love,
Mommy

Sick Babies

       Yesterday I had the pleasure, enviable task of looking after a sick 7 month old.  Daddy is working 12s all this weekend, (4am-4pm), and of course this is the time Helo gets sick. I mean REALLY sick.  Heaving and throwing up anything put in his little belly about 30 seconds after it got there. 

       It was a long day for mommy and for Helo.  The morning started out fine. Helo got up and had his first bottle while watching an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba.  About 2 1/2 hours later, while wrapping him up for his morning nap, there was suddenly formula everywhere, and he was choking on more.  I thought I had wrapped him too tight!  I quickly grabbed him up and laid him on his side in the pack n' play, while I ran a warm sink bath for him. I put him in the sink to get him cleaned up and he promptly fell asleep. I took him out and put a diaper on him and no sooner did I get him wrapped in a clean towel did he wake up and start heaving again.  He is good at warning though! He would cry for a little bit, then start heaving, so I had plenty of time to get to the sink.  In true Helo fashion, he was his happy little self right after puking! All that wore him out however and he slept in my arms for about 2 hours.

       After about 3 rounds of puking his bottle, I called to Dr. because I wanted to keep him hydrated without giving him formula or juice.  I ended up calling daddy at work and asking him to go to the store to get some pedialyte.  Daddy was very sweet and bought 2 flavors.  We tried some pedialyte, but even that was not going to stay down.  Three towels, two sink baths and several minutes each time at the sink later, I stopped even giving him that.

      It was broke my heart to see his sad little face looking up at me from his side while laying over the sink.  He cried a little and just looked at me as if to ask what was going on and when would it stop.  All I could do was tell him it would be ok and put a cold washcloth on his neck and head.  Bubbin ended up spending most of the day wrapped in a towel, sleeping in my arms. 

       He ended up keeping only about 8oz of fluid down all day, which kept him awake all night......mommy too.  Today is better! He has gotten over whatever it was that was bothering him.  He is eating normally and keeping everything down.  Poor kid! Mommy isn't 23 anymore! I can't stay up most of the night before and have endless energy the next day!  Thanks DJ Lance and the Yo Gabba friends!!        

The Story of Helo's Birth

       Since my husband and I struggled for over 3 year with infertility before Helo was born, I feel as though the telling of how Helo came into this world, is worth telling.  I will start with his birth, as this is his blog.

       On Tuesday July 26th at 6:30 in the evening, I was admitted to Wright-Patterson AFB hospital to have labor induced at 39 weeks into my pregnancy.  I chose to be induced because of a few conditions that I have, including a blood clotting factor.  It was deemed "safer" because they had time to prepare for us, and have all the necessary things on hand, "just in case".  I was warned of the higher risk of needing a C-section.  I was ok with it.  After being admitted, and having an IV started, (which scared me more than labor), a foli-bulb was inserted into my cervix to hopefully increase dilation and induce labor into starting.  It took all night and part of the next day for the bulb to fall out naturally.  That night was the most uncomfortable night EVER.  There was an external heart monitor for the baby, and he kept moving around, so the alarm kept going off.  Did I mention that I had to hear 2 other laboring mothers alarms going off in my room as well? Yeah....that is the way the system was set up. No sooner would I get comfy and in a position I could stay in, when someone else's alarm would go off. OH WELL.... We waiting about 6 hours for dilation to increase, which it didn't, so a pitocin drip was started.  It was started slowly and steadily increase over the following 6 hours. At about 6 o'clock the next evening, the OB came in, and decided to break my water.  That went pretty smoothly.  Next came the decision to place a heart rate monitor on Helo's head inside the womb.  He moved so much, that it was hard to find him externally.  That was ok, if you don't mind having someones entire fist on one hand and a few finger of the other, stuck inside your body.  Restart the waiting game.

        After the third increase of pitocin, I decided it was time to get pain medication.  I was initially going to simply start with regular pain meds, like percocet.  A fantastic nurse suggested to me that I get my epidural right away, due to the fact that when starting the epi-line, you need to sit totally still.  If contractions got bad, it would be impossible to do!  I am SOOO glad that she told me and that I took her advice.  The anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural, and at first, I kinda thought she was rude because she was asking me all kids of questions I REALLY did not feel like answering. (Call me crazy but contractions don't make me want to go through my medical history orally).  Only later, would I appreciate how great she really was.  Well, after practically breaking my husbands fingers holding on to him to hold still, the line was placed.  After the fact, the anticipation was far worse than the reality of how it felt to get one!  I was successfully dosed with medication and my lower body went numb in a warm fuzzy glow.  I felt SOOO much better.

       I got settled in, to hopefully get some sleep for this evening.  It was about 2 in the morning, and I was running on about 4 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours.  I had just dozed off, when alarms started going off like crazy in my room, and the lights were flipped on.  The room was flooded with nurses, and I was totally confused as to why.  I was told that Helo's heart rate had dropped to a very dangerous level, and that they needed to get it back up right away.  They had me flip on my side, and helped me hold up one of my legs in a permanent leg lift.  I was still pretty groggy, and sort of scared by now, but still relatively calm.  Then I was flipped over and told to sit doggy style (hard to do when you can't feel most of your lower body), a waver was read to me, which I had to approve orally, all the while I hear nurses and doctors being rushed in and called from other areas of the hospital.  I heard that the O.R. was prepped and ready.  I was being rushed in for emergency surgery to deliver my son, who was in respiratory and cardiac distress.

       I was quickly dressed in a cap and gown, and flooded with oxygen, and rushed butt-up and naked into the operating room.  Let me tell you, delivering a child removes all vestiges of modesty.  I was flipped over, stripped almost naked and strapped to a table.  Then guess what? The little booger decided that say "kidding everyone, I am going to breathe normally now".  I lay on the table for 20 minutes, with the surgeon monitoring everything, trying to calm me down.  Then he told me that if at  all possible, they wanted Helo to be delivered naturally.  Since his vitals went back to normal and stayed there for 20 minutes, the doctors all decided that they would take me back to my room and see if I would go into natural labor and deliver vaginally.

       I was wheeled back to my room and transferred back to my bed. It took about 10 minutes, and I was just comfortable when all the alarms went off again!  This time I knew what to expect. Everyone was in the room again, but it went a little smoother this time.  However this also meant I had enough time to panic a little and the guilt started in. I suddenly felt like I had done a disservice to my little one.  I know that delivering vaginally is just better for the overall health and initial development of babies. Then I started to get scared of the pain.  The surgery wasn't planned so I asked if they could just knock me out entirely.  The lovely anesthesiologist told me that they did not want to do that unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary because if I went out, so did the baby and that was not good.  She then told me not to worry, she would make sure that I was good and numb! lol  I was taken back to the O.R. where the surgeon told me that they were going to take him. The team did not know what was causing his distress, and since it had happened before, they did not want to take any chances.

       I  had not had much fluids, so I was placed on a second I.V. in my other hand.  There was a nurse there just squeezing fluids through the I.V.s.  The anesthesiologist started to give me more medicine, I am really not sure what, but it worked. I could not feel anything from my chest down.  That is when I started to go into distress as well. My heart rate was dropping and not coming back up, so they had to give me, I believe epinephrine. I still kept passing out, but my heart rate came up. Every time I started to pass out,  Joe had the job of keeping me awake, which was difficult. He kept having to smack my face, and bend my hand, which hurt enough to keep me awake for a short time. All the while, the nurses were asking me questions, to try and keep my attention as well.  I think it was a combo of the drugs, and being DEAD tired.  I was so tired, I did not even get to enjoy seeing me son after he was delivered.  I remember glancing at him, and looking over after they surrounded him on the little cart.  I was worried about him, but you could not have kept me awake if you had nailed my eyelids open. I cried the whole time.  Helo Alexander Huff was born 3:57 a.m. on July 28th, 2011.

        Once they surgeon had me opened up, it was discovered that Helo had his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck a couple of times and also around his torso. My little man was strangling himself.  If I had tried to deliver vaginally, it could have been VERY bad for us.  I would have probably ended up in surgery anyway.  That allowed me to feel a bit less guilty about being induced. All in all the delivery took about 20 minutes and then they had to sew me up which took another 15 or so.  I was then taken to our post-delivery room.  I woke up on the way there long enough to ask if Helo was o.k. and then I passed out!

       I had an excellent delivery team.  They were efficient, fast, and on the ball.  If I had less care, I could have lost my son. I will be forever grateful to God and to them for keeping me and my son safe and bringing him into this world.
 
       Things happened so quickly, I did not get to have any photos of Helo right after he was born, so here are some in our room.

Helo and Daddy

      

      

Helo and I after his delivery.

Helo and Grandma Waltho

      

Helo's Dogs

Chief

Rudy

       Before Helo was born we acquired 3 dogs.  Joe had one before we were married, a Shih Tzu, I had a German Shepherd mix, and together we adopted a Pit Bull from a neighbor.  As anyone with a pet knows,  the introduction of a baby into the family can mean stress for the pet, and for the humans, waiting to see the reaction and interaction.  Each or our dogs has a unique personality. Chief the bully, is our Mr. Friendly. He loves EVERYONE. Rudy our Shih Tzu is our old man who would rather sleep all day.  Those two just watch from afar.

Mirko

        Mirko......ah Mirko.  He is crazy, wrapped in hyper, wrapped in loving, wrapped in a really sheddy fur! His nickname? Mirko Berserko. It was well earned.  If you would have observed Mirks before Helo came along, or had been regaled with his antics, you may have been scared of what he would be like. 

       Of the three dogs, Mirko is the best with Helo.  Mirko our shepherd mix is Helo's best buddy.  He is our guardian in a black and tan fur coat. He patiently sits there, while our now rolly polly little man kicks him in the face, or pulls on his fur, or pokes him in the eye.  Yes, I do stop him from continuously doing these things to Mirko. (We want to teach him to be kind to all animals.) However, Mirko simply gets up and walks away when he has had enough, without stepping on him.  From day one, Mirks has been his, buddy and guardian. When I wake up in the morning, he is sleeping outside his bedroom door.  When Helo is on the floor, Mirko curls up in front of his mat.  Anyone wishing to do harm to our little boy, had better first take into consideration the crazy mutt who watches over him.  (Not including his parents, of course!)  This post is dedicated to all those furry "first" babies that parents had.

        Helo, you have a fantastic buddy in Mirko.  I hope you treat him with love and care.  He will be your first boyhood friend. He will be the first one to greet you at the door, the last one you see before you fall asleep at night.  No bond is quite like a boy and his dog!

I even brave "the bathroom" for you!